Some days you wake up and it's okay

Some days you wake up and it is okay, you know you don't feel so exhausted and you feel like things are going to be okay. Then the tantrums start the house turns into a pig sty and you feel  like running away and never looking back. Sometimes i daydream about my life before i was a mum. i think how would it have been if i did not have a child. i used to be happy, i  used to wake up feeling like the world was at my feet. now i wake up feeling like i want to jump out of  a window. i feel like someone threw me in jail and threw away the key. its a nightmare. i need to work and do something besides this. motherhood can kill, the stress of it can kill a person.

my sons father just lives his own life and all the responsibility of looking after my son falls on me.i may as well be a single mother.this is totally and uttterly ridiculous and unfair. My son is starting pre school this month which is great becausei can go in to the office. i run my own business but i work from home which is impossible pretty much to do because i never get a moment to myself.

i am praying every day for God to make this better.however, it is only getting worse.

I feel sick and fed up every day

Every dsy its getting worse. I have aged about ten years in two years. Having a baby was the worst decision I have ever mae in my life. Rght now I should be lying on a beach somewhere not cleaning shit off the floor. All my son does is cry and moan. He lives a good life  and all he does is scream. I am praying for october to come when he goes to school. The dsy could not come quick enough. I am opening an office for my business and I really can't wait to bet stuck into work and start making the kind of moey I was making before. I am not cut out tosit at home playing house. I hate it with every bone in my body. Like seriusly whoever lied and said motherhood was flowers and rainbows. Its a nightmare from morning until night.   I know some people will say that I don't deserve a child but quite frankly I don't care. I never really wanted a baby I was on birth control  which obviously failed me. Motherhood for me is like sticking pins in my eyes. I fel bad for him that he is going to be an only child but I simply cannot have anymore children.

I know I am not alone in this because I have seen hundreds of blogs about this topic. Anyway I am done  venting for today. Bye.

This Morning I wanted To Jump Out the Window

This morning I woke up and thought about the dreaded day that I was going to have and felt physically sick. I hate this stupid role of being a mum, it is boring, lonely and very depressing. Every morning I hear him scream and cry for food and at 6 am and I want to jump out the freaking window! I want to get out of this life and give it to someone else. I did not plan on becoming a mom, actually I was on birth control and for some reason it did not work. Now I am stuck in this hell of a life, people keep telling me that it is going to get easier. however, it does not feel that way now, it feels like it is just getting worse every single freaking day. Potty training, I hate it! Cleaning shit off the floor, and piss of the floor every single day. Having to cook three whole meals a day when I just cant even be bothered to do anything but write. It was not destined for this, for this prison, this hell, being shackled and tied down like a slave. His father is still around, and he gives me a bit of money here and there but most of the time it is me on my own with this child. His dad said I should have the baby because he would be there to help me. However, he takes him once a week and then even then he doesnt look after him, his mother does while he goes out. I am raising him on my own basically. All by myself, I am with his father but it seems like I am a single mother and I hate it. I actually want to run away and not come back. I keep on having dreams about running away to Spain and never coming back. When I went to Spain on my own I loved it, I felt free. I felt happy, I felt alive, I felt back to the old me again. Now I am shadow of my former self. Hopefully when he goes to school my life will get better, for now it is hell. In fact even then it is going to be a nightmare of school runs and hectic mornings too much stress. I dont know why people put themselves through this. I cant wait until he grows up so I can just go and travel the world. I am going to run, leave as far away as possible. I am still going to be there for my son when he needs me if he calls. But, I need to travel, experience life, live my life and not be tied down like this. It is the worst nightmare anyone could ever experience in their entire life. The worst. People lie and say it is going to be amazing, and it is far from that dream. It is more like a nightmare. I dont really care what people think of me, I just wanted to use this place to vent my frustration because no one else seems to get it. I think there are some people who feel the same way because I have read hundreds of posts about it. However, I have not met anyone in real life who actually is willing to admit it.