I am not knocking anyone who loves motherhood. However, motherhood is not for everyone and I think that everyone has the right to voice how they feel. I have met a few women who feel the same way as me but they are not really willing to talk too much about it. They feel ashamed, I do not feel ashamed I just want to learn to love being a mother. I hate every waking moment of it, they say that I must be depressed, however I am fine when I am not doing motherly duties. They say, post natal depression however, when I break away from doing mother things, I am totally fine. I am happy and I feel great! However, when I get back to being mother and house wife and everything else in between, I want to shoot myself in the head. I want to kill someone. I don't mean my child, I just want to scream, it is almost soul destroying. I feel like I have lost my identity, I do not like waking up every day and going to the park, to the swings, going to toddler group which is boring as hell. I hate nursery rhymes and I hate everything that comes with being a mother. In most cases even if you are not a single mother you still have to take sole responsibility of that child. Well, in my case that is how it is.
My story
I got pregnant in 2008, I had just set up my own business and I was so happy. I had just moved into my dream home and I was loving every aspect of my life. I was on the pill, and taking it to the letter, and one day I felt like I was about to pass out. I was advised by a friend to take a pregnancy test, and I was pregnant. I knew I could not have an abortion but I felt like my life was over from then. I felt sick, and tired every day. Since then my life has been hell, I hate it, I hate it I hate it! I want to learn to love being a mother however, I do not feel like I am cut out for it, I feel like I was designed to live a single life and travel the world with no baggage. I am writer, I have my own business and I am a free spirit. You simply cannot be a free spirit when you have a child. I feel tied down, shackled and stressed every day. I feel like I want to run away some days. I look out the window and wonder what it would be like to get on a plane and never ever come back. I want to do it, I dream about it. Every day I feel numb, no happiness, I feel like a lifeless zombie. I work, work work and do the same thing every day, looking after my son from morning until evening and then doing my work until 5 am every day. I do not get any sleep anyway, my son is going to pre school in a couple of months which I am praying for. I can't wait, the thought of having all those hours of freedom every day makes me feel like jumping for joy. I have planned to hire an office when he goes to start working from there instead of working from home. I can't wait to get my identity back, I am going to join a gym and do a photography course. Something creative and totally different to the norm, something totally out of the ordinary. Something, I would never ever dream of doing I am going to do it. I think women who have children need to find their own identity. They need to find themselves and be free when they can otherwise it can be a recipe for disaster. I only have to look at my own mother to realise that, she suffered and she is still suffering. She went mad because she had children, she never had any time for herself. All she ever did was work and look after us day in and day out. I always used to look at her and wonder if she could actually be happy living this kind of life. This is why I am working so hard so that I can actually afford to get a nanny and house keeper. I don't have the time to waste of cooking and cleaning and being tied to the kitchen sink every day of the damn week.
I wonder who feels the same as I do......I know many women are going to be disgusted with this blog. However, I actually do not care because I think as women we have the right to speak our minds. I want to speak to women who love being a mother. I want to get into those women's minds because I don't enjoy it, does not mean that everyone is going to feel the same way. Ladies, speak your mind!
THANK YOU XXXX
Hey there! You commented on a post I put up on another blog that was hijacked by a CF blog. I think you know the one...very long and drawn out.
ReplyDeleteWell, I agree with you, but I know why you feel this way:
1) Yes, most people don't talk about how they really feel - especially in the US and in the developed, Western world. It's for show. Everyone smiles and wants to appear better, healthier, saner and more in control than they really are. In reality, we cry in the shower, fall apart like children, shriek at our partners and do lots of immature and vile stuff. All behind closed doors.
Then, we go out and we appear groomed, calm(ish), on top of things and agreeable. Some of us are seething inside. Some of us are on the edge. Some of us, unfortunately, are suicidal, homicidal or just plain insane.
I don't think either of us falls into the latter category, but I totally hear you. Parents - especially mothers - somehow gloss over the reality.
2) A big reason it is harder for you (and me) is the LACK OF SUPPORT. Money is essential, yes. But even those who are super poor but have family, friends and a community to fall back on are in better shape than a wealthy single mom.
3) A lack of sleep is almost as bad a hard drug habit. You lose patience, perspective, sanity and other humane characteristics. I gained a lot of weight, too. It ages you. It makes you crazy. You react to everything. You are simply NOT getting enough rejuvenating sleep. I know because I have a 4-year old, and I'm thinking you have a 3-year old. They wake up. Even if they breathe strangely, you are biologically tied to them and startle in your sleep. They take forever to fall asleep. Get up for water, potty/changes, nightmares, etc. Then, they wake up emotional, sometimes screaming, occasionally just energized, and expect you to IMMEDIATELY be bright and sunshiny and ready for action. It made me want to jump out the window.
ReplyDeleteAt 4, I get less night terrors and morning shrieking in my face, but more "play this game with me mommy, right now! and I want pancakes!!!
4) A detached or absent partner is beyond crazy-making. Our society simply DOES NOT support having kids. Fathers are old-school expected to work, although some stay home, but yep, mothers are supposed to do ALL the rest. Whether you have a devoted, helpful husband OR are on your own, you STILL end up handling the MAJORITY of all the household chores/duties/responsibilities as well as the kids' needs and even your partners needs. Often, you also are pushed to be over-responsible for your colleagues and boss or your employees and your partners. Women are simply expected to freaking do it all with a smile.
5) Having a kid is very poorly explained to us in today's world. We grew up in a different era. I lived in my grandmothers house, so we essentially had a built-in housekeeper. Today's situation is so different - we live far away from nearly all relatives and even friends. And unless you are super-involved or lucky or religious, it's hard to build a community. Ironically, having a kid might seem like a way to build a community, but instead, it's hit or miss and very challenging to find like-minded parents who you might enjoy spending time with who have similar schedules, values and kids the same age as yours who also get along and don't cause problems for each other.
ReplyDeleteSomeone needs to create a Facebook/Meetup site for parents to do that. I've spent 4 years trying to find compatible friends with kids - can't seem to do this with family (those nearby have no kids) neighbors, parent groups or even in preschool. I've honestly given up. I don't know if anything will change in Kindergarten or elementary school, etc. It will be up to my kid to find friends and then I'll just see if the parents float my boat. If not, I'll just encourage her friendships.
I feel badly about it, but at the same time, plenty of kids have it MUCH WORSE.
6) Something to consider that I've only recently learned, is that we are "programmed" from birth through about 12 years of age to understand what a relationship is, and how to manage ourselves in the world. If your family of origin had serious problems, you are actually recreating them with your partner and your kid. Knowing this and wanting it to be different is not enough. You have to recreate your understanding of what you went through, what healthy relationships truly are and what you actually want.
Imagine: what you are going through is probably what your mother/parents went through and also what you experienced as a child.
7) Society DOES put a lot of pressure on us as women, not to mention mothers. We are supposed to be the nurturing mammas of yesteryear, making jam and baking bread while playing hide and go seek with our 3 under 3. But we are also supposed to be the sexy career moms of the future, with perfect hair and incredible success. Neither of those things is POSSIBLE without a LOT of support, be it financial, household, in terms of a really supportive/helpful partner and/or extended family/friends/community.
ReplyDeleteYou simply can't breastfeed and bake bread and clean and work and sleep and shop and change diapers and host events and remember birthdays and get your hair done and get pedicures and have wild sex and go to a great therapist and have wonderful doctors and a car that is 100% reliable and Martha Stewart's tablescape without help. You. Just. Can't.
8) It's great that you have your business and career and know what you like: travel, freedom, etc. NOT knowing is worse, but refining what keeps you alive and excited and jazzed and motivated is ESSENTIAL. Because NO ONE likes drudgery or feeling defeated or "done". So it takes a lot for some of us to pull through the exhaustion and hormonal upheaval. I myself was older and out of shape, which made it all worse. But you need both mental and physical stimulation; isolating from adults and not caring for yourself makes things so much worse.
9) You really have to decide what's right for you and focus on what you need as well as those you are responsible for need. Yes, you can run away. You can give your child to the father or up for adoption. You can lose your mind or try to exit this world prematurely.
ReplyDeleteBut you don't have to be so dramatic. Just decide to live your life - with a kid - YOUR WAY. You don't have to take your kid to the park. You can bring the park home with a few inventive playtoys from craigslist. You can join or start a meetup or playgroup. You can hire nannies, sitters and find more expansive daycare/preschools. Some barely watch their own kids - they have several full-time nannies.
Your child needs time with you that you WANT to share. Your child needs to see you feeling GOOD and HAPPY and SUCCESSFUL.
It's a very crucial time for a little one, but you can build up a nice community and put your energy towards spending time doing something you WANT to do with your kid, such as:
Reading/Library time
Exploring the world - travel locally and beyond with your kid.
Watching classic kids films from your childhood and sharing new memories
Going to art museums and exposing your child to culture
Taking mom/kid dance, art or cooking classes
Going to the gym (many have daycare) and playing together first, then doing separate "workouts"
10) I swear to God - you may just be like me in that the toddler years are not your forte. You might LOVE the preschool/K/elementary years, or middle school, or high school, or beyond. There WILL be a phase/stage that you will LOVE and will contribute so much to.
I've often said that we don't just have a child, we are instead introduced to a new PERSON every year for the rest of our lives, because they change so much.
Don't beat yourself up. It's good to vent. But it's more important to heed the call and make the changes you need to be more sane.
Pull the father in to take more on - get creative. Can he clean your place? Cook? "Babysit"? Can he do handyman stuff, or shuttle the kid from place to place? Maybe you are OK with letting your child spend entire weekends or holiday breaks with your partner, while you go and travel?
Plan a bunch of half-day, full-day, weekend, 3-day and extended trips to look forward to.
And good luck!