Gosh im going insane

I woke up this morning to a screaming child. I am going insane, it is 12 and he still hasn't shut the hell up. I feel like getting a gun and shooting myself in the head! Like seriously I'm so fed up. I hate hate being a frigging mother. I wud rather b dead than be in this stupid situation. Having kids is suicide. Serioulsy it  is suicide !  Total total suicide so fed up

Somebody Shoot me Now!!!

If this is how my life is going to be for the rest of my life. I would rather be dead! No seriously, I would rather be dead!!! Days of, cleaning shit off the floor, endless cleaning, endless cooking, endless screaming! I am so sick of it, I feel like my life is passing me by. My days just melt into each other, how did I get here? Oh yes, my birth control failed me and now I am a reluctant mother! I hate it!!!! I want to scream every waking hour! I want to jump off a bridge and totally forget about this nightmare of a life! I want so many things but, one of the things I don't want is to be a mother anymore. I want to run away and never come back, I know what people are going to say though, they are going to say that I put myself in this situation so I should deal with it. Well, I never wanted kids, and I should have stayed a virgin for the rest of my life. Because now, I wish I had never been born! Now, I wish that I had never ever met his stupid stupid stupid father! I hate him! I hate him! I hate him!!!!! I want him out of my life for good! He just does not understand how hard it is, he thinks that women are just designed to live this hell. Anyway, that is my rant over for the day!

Get your life right before having kids

You all know my stance on this, if i knew the hell i would go through after having a child i would have remained childless.This is not  a life, it is hell.Hell on earth!!!! i advise you to get your life in order before having any children. If you have to struggle to keep food on the table then you will find yourself resenting your kids. Even hating them. I dont hate my son,but i hate with every bone in my body being a mother.it is the worst thing i have ever done in my life. Endless dirty house, non stop cleaning but it is never clean. Everything i touch gets messed up. I have to sacrifice everything for this while his dad does  not have to sacrifice a damn thing. its driving me crazy, and i am trying to run a business which is impossible with all the noise and the whining and the moaning,the routines,the playgroups, the day trips,its all a damn nightmare and i detest it. I was not built for this, and sometimes  i wanna jump out of a window.

if you want kids have a stable relationship and  stable life. enough said.

Some days you wake up and it's okay

Some days you wake up and it is okay, you know you don't feel so exhausted and you feel like things are going to be okay. Then the tantrums start the house turns into a pig sty and you feel  like running away and never looking back. Sometimes i daydream about my life before i was a mum. i think how would it have been if i did not have a child. i used to be happy, i  used to wake up feeling like the world was at my feet. now i wake up feeling like i want to jump out of  a window. i feel like someone threw me in jail and threw away the key. its a nightmare. i need to work and do something besides this. motherhood can kill, the stress of it can kill a person.

my sons father just lives his own life and all the responsibility of looking after my son falls on me.i may as well be a single mother.this is totally and uttterly ridiculous and unfair. My son is starting pre school this month which is great becausei can go in to the office. i run my own business but i work from home which is impossible pretty much to do because i never get a moment to myself.

i am praying every day for God to make this better.however, it is only getting worse.

I feel sick and fed up every day

Every dsy its getting worse. I have aged about ten years in two years. Having a baby was the worst decision I have ever mae in my life. Rght now I should be lying on a beach somewhere not cleaning shit off the floor. All my son does is cry and moan. He lives a good life  and all he does is scream. I am praying for october to come when he goes to school. The dsy could not come quick enough. I am opening an office for my business and I really can't wait to bet stuck into work and start making the kind of moey I was making before. I am not cut out tosit at home playing house. I hate it with every bone in my body. Like seriusly whoever lied and said motherhood was flowers and rainbows. Its a nightmare from morning until night.   I know some people will say that I don't deserve a child but quite frankly I don't care. I never really wanted a baby I was on birth control  which obviously failed me. Motherhood for me is like sticking pins in my eyes. I fel bad for him that he is going to be an only child but I simply cannot have anymore children.

I know I am not alone in this because I have seen hundreds of blogs about this topic. Anyway I am done  venting for today. Bye.

This Morning I wanted To Jump Out the Window

This morning I woke up and thought about the dreaded day that I was going to have and felt physically sick. I hate this stupid role of being a mum, it is boring, lonely and very depressing. Every morning I hear him scream and cry for food and at 6 am and I want to jump out the freaking window! I want to get out of this life and give it to someone else. I did not plan on becoming a mom, actually I was on birth control and for some reason it did not work. Now I am stuck in this hell of a life, people keep telling me that it is going to get easier. however, it does not feel that way now, it feels like it is just getting worse every single freaking day. Potty training, I hate it! Cleaning shit off the floor, and piss of the floor every single day. Having to cook three whole meals a day when I just cant even be bothered to do anything but write. It was not destined for this, for this prison, this hell, being shackled and tied down like a slave. His father is still around, and he gives me a bit of money here and there but most of the time it is me on my own with this child. His dad said I should have the baby because he would be there to help me. However, he takes him once a week and then even then he doesnt look after him, his mother does while he goes out. I am raising him on my own basically. All by myself, I am with his father but it seems like I am a single mother and I hate it. I actually want to run away and not come back. I keep on having dreams about running away to Spain and never coming back. When I went to Spain on my own I loved it, I felt free. I felt happy, I felt alive, I felt back to the old me again. Now I am shadow of my former self. Hopefully when he goes to school my life will get better, for now it is hell. In fact even then it is going to be a nightmare of school runs and hectic mornings too much stress. I dont know why people put themselves through this. I cant wait until he grows up so I can just go and travel the world. I am going to run, leave as far away as possible. I am still going to be there for my son when he needs me if he calls. But, I need to travel, experience life, live my life and not be tied down like this. It is the worst nightmare anyone could ever experience in their entire life. The worst. People lie and say it is going to be amazing, and it is far from that dream. It is more like a nightmare. I dont really care what people think of me, I just wanted to use this place to vent my frustration because no one else seems to get it. I think there are some people who feel the same way because I have read hundreds of posts about it. However, I have not met anyone in real life who actually is willing to admit it.

Do you ever feel like you hate being a mother?

I am not knocking anyone who loves motherhood. However, motherhood is not for everyone and I think that everyone has the right to voice how they feel. I have met a few women who feel the same way as me but they are not really willing to talk too much about it. They feel ashamed, I do not feel ashamed I just want to learn to love being a mother. I hate every waking moment of it, they say that I must be depressed, however I am fine when I am not doing motherly duties. They say, post natal depression however, when I break away from doing mother things, I am totally fine. I am happy and I feel great! However, when I get back to being mother and house wife and everything else in between, I want to shoot myself in the head. I want to kill someone. I don't mean my child, I just want to scream, it is almost soul destroying. I feel like I have lost my identity, I do not like waking up every day and going to the park, to the swings, going to toddler group which is boring as hell. I hate nursery rhymes and I hate everything that comes with being a mother. In most cases even if you are not a single mother you still have to take sole responsibility of that child. Well, in my case that is how it is.

My story
I got pregnant in 2008, I had just set up my own business and I was so happy. I had just moved into my dream home and I was loving every aspect of my life. I was on the pill, and taking it to the letter, and one day I felt like I was about to pass out. I was advised by a friend to take a pregnancy test, and I was pregnant. I knew I could not have an abortion but I felt like my life was over from then. I felt sick, and tired every day. Since then my life has been hell, I hate it, I hate it I hate it! I want to learn to love being a mother however, I do not feel like I am cut out for it, I feel like I was designed to live a single life and travel the world with no baggage. I am writer, I have my own business and I am a free spirit. You simply cannot be a free spirit when you have a child. I feel tied down, shackled and stressed every day. I feel like I want to run away some days. I look out the window and wonder what it would be like to get on a plane and never ever come back. I want to do it, I dream about it. Every day I feel numb, no happiness, I feel like a lifeless zombie. I work, work work and do the same thing every day, looking after my son from morning until evening and then doing my work until 5 am every day. I do not get any sleep anyway, my son is going to pre school in a couple of months which I am praying for. I can't wait, the thought of having all those hours of freedom every day makes me feel like jumping for joy. I have planned to hire an office when he goes to start working from there instead of working from home. I can't wait to get my identity back, I am going to join a gym and do a photography course. Something creative and totally different to the norm, something totally out of the ordinary. Something, I would never ever dream of doing I am going to do it. I think women who have children need to find their own identity. They need to find themselves and be free when they can otherwise it can be a recipe for disaster. I only have to look at my own mother to realise that, she suffered and she is still suffering. She went mad because she had children, she never had any time for herself.  All she ever did was work and look after us day in and day out. I always used to look at her and wonder if she could actually be happy living this kind of life. This is why I am working so hard so that I can actually afford to get a nanny and house keeper. I don't have the time to waste of cooking and cleaning and being tied to the kitchen sink every day of the damn week.

I wonder who feels the same as I do......I know many women are going to be disgusted with this blog. However, I actually do not care because I think as women we have the right to speak our minds. I want to speak to women who love being a mother. I want to get into those women's minds because I don't enjoy it, does not mean that everyone is going to feel the same way. Ladies, speak your mind!

THANK YOU XXXX