This Morning I wanted To Jump Out the Window

This morning I woke up and thought about the dreaded day that I was going to have and felt physically sick. I hate this stupid role of being a mum, it is boring, lonely and very depressing. Every morning I hear him scream and cry for food and at 6 am and I want to jump out the freaking window! I want to get out of this life and give it to someone else. I did not plan on becoming a mom, actually I was on birth control and for some reason it did not work. Now I am stuck in this hell of a life, people keep telling me that it is going to get easier. however, it does not feel that way now, it feels like it is just getting worse every single freaking day. Potty training, I hate it! Cleaning shit off the floor, and piss of the floor every single day. Having to cook three whole meals a day when I just cant even be bothered to do anything but write. It was not destined for this, for this prison, this hell, being shackled and tied down like a slave. His father is still around, and he gives me a bit of money here and there but most of the time it is me on my own with this child. His dad said I should have the baby because he would be there to help me. However, he takes him once a week and then even then he doesnt look after him, his mother does while he goes out. I am raising him on my own basically. All by myself, I am with his father but it seems like I am a single mother and I hate it. I actually want to run away and not come back. I keep on having dreams about running away to Spain and never coming back. When I went to Spain on my own I loved it, I felt free. I felt happy, I felt alive, I felt back to the old me again. Now I am shadow of my former self. Hopefully when he goes to school my life will get better, for now it is hell. In fact even then it is going to be a nightmare of school runs and hectic mornings too much stress. I dont know why people put themselves through this. I cant wait until he grows up so I can just go and travel the world. I am going to run, leave as far away as possible. I am still going to be there for my son when he needs me if he calls. But, I need to travel, experience life, live my life and not be tied down like this. It is the worst nightmare anyone could ever experience in their entire life. The worst. People lie and say it is going to be amazing, and it is far from that dream. It is more like a nightmare. I dont really care what people think of me, I just wanted to use this place to vent my frustration because no one else seems to get it. I think there are some people who feel the same way because I have read hundreds of posts about it. However, I have not met anyone in real life who actually is willing to admit it.