This Morning I wanted To Jump Out the Window

This morning I woke up and thought about the dreaded day that I was going to have and felt physically sick. I hate this stupid role of being a mum, it is boring, lonely and very depressing. Every morning I hear him scream and cry for food and at 6 am and I want to jump out the freaking window! I want to get out of this life and give it to someone else. I did not plan on becoming a mom, actually I was on birth control and for some reason it did not work. Now I am stuck in this hell of a life, people keep telling me that it is going to get easier. however, it does not feel that way now, it feels like it is just getting worse every single freaking day. Potty training, I hate it! Cleaning shit off the floor, and piss of the floor every single day. Having to cook three whole meals a day when I just cant even be bothered to do anything but write. It was not destined for this, for this prison, this hell, being shackled and tied down like a slave. His father is still around, and he gives me a bit of money here and there but most of the time it is me on my own with this child. His dad said I should have the baby because he would be there to help me. However, he takes him once a week and then even then he doesnt look after him, his mother does while he goes out. I am raising him on my own basically. All by myself, I am with his father but it seems like I am a single mother and I hate it. I actually want to run away and not come back. I keep on having dreams about running away to Spain and never coming back. When I went to Spain on my own I loved it, I felt free. I felt happy, I felt alive, I felt back to the old me again. Now I am shadow of my former self. Hopefully when he goes to school my life will get better, for now it is hell. In fact even then it is going to be a nightmare of school runs and hectic mornings too much stress. I dont know why people put themselves through this. I cant wait until he grows up so I can just go and travel the world. I am going to run, leave as far away as possible. I am still going to be there for my son when he needs me if he calls. But, I need to travel, experience life, live my life and not be tied down like this. It is the worst nightmare anyone could ever experience in their entire life. The worst. People lie and say it is going to be amazing, and it is far from that dream. It is more like a nightmare. I dont really care what people think of me, I just wanted to use this place to vent my frustration because no one else seems to get it. I think there are some people who feel the same way because I have read hundreds of posts about it. However, I have not met anyone in real life who actually is willing to admit it.

Do you ever feel like you hate being a mother?

I am not knocking anyone who loves motherhood. However, motherhood is not for everyone and I think that everyone has the right to voice how they feel. I have met a few women who feel the same way as me but they are not really willing to talk too much about it. They feel ashamed, I do not feel ashamed I just want to learn to love being a mother. I hate every waking moment of it, they say that I must be depressed, however I am fine when I am not doing motherly duties. They say, post natal depression however, when I break away from doing mother things, I am totally fine. I am happy and I feel great! However, when I get back to being mother and house wife and everything else in between, I want to shoot myself in the head. I want to kill someone. I don't mean my child, I just want to scream, it is almost soul destroying. I feel like I have lost my identity, I do not like waking up every day and going to the park, to the swings, going to toddler group which is boring as hell. I hate nursery rhymes and I hate everything that comes with being a mother. In most cases even if you are not a single mother you still have to take sole responsibility of that child. Well, in my case that is how it is.

My story
I got pregnant in 2008, I had just set up my own business and I was so happy. I had just moved into my dream home and I was loving every aspect of my life. I was on the pill, and taking it to the letter, and one day I felt like I was about to pass out. I was advised by a friend to take a pregnancy test, and I was pregnant. I knew I could not have an abortion but I felt like my life was over from then. I felt sick, and tired every day. Since then my life has been hell, I hate it, I hate it I hate it! I want to learn to love being a mother however, I do not feel like I am cut out for it, I feel like I was designed to live a single life and travel the world with no baggage. I am writer, I have my own business and I am a free spirit. You simply cannot be a free spirit when you have a child. I feel tied down, shackled and stressed every day. I feel like I want to run away some days. I look out the window and wonder what it would be like to get on a plane and never ever come back. I want to do it, I dream about it. Every day I feel numb, no happiness, I feel like a lifeless zombie. I work, work work and do the same thing every day, looking after my son from morning until evening and then doing my work until 5 am every day. I do not get any sleep anyway, my son is going to pre school in a couple of months which I am praying for. I can't wait, the thought of having all those hours of freedom every day makes me feel like jumping for joy. I have planned to hire an office when he goes to start working from there instead of working from home. I can't wait to get my identity back, I am going to join a gym and do a photography course. Something creative and totally different to the norm, something totally out of the ordinary. Something, I would never ever dream of doing I am going to do it. I think women who have children need to find their own identity. They need to find themselves and be free when they can otherwise it can be a recipe for disaster. I only have to look at my own mother to realise that, she suffered and she is still suffering. She went mad because she had children, she never had any time for herself.  All she ever did was work and look after us day in and day out. I always used to look at her and wonder if she could actually be happy living this kind of life. This is why I am working so hard so that I can actually afford to get a nanny and house keeper. I don't have the time to waste of cooking and cleaning and being tied to the kitchen sink every day of the damn week.

I wonder who feels the same as I do......I know many women are going to be disgusted with this blog. However, I actually do not care because I think as women we have the right to speak our minds. I want to speak to women who love being a mother. I want to get into those women's minds because I don't enjoy it, does not mean that everyone is going to feel the same way. Ladies, speak your mind!

THANK YOU XXXX